The rest is silence

What the hell am I doing?

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:32:00 GMT

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, wondering what exactly it is that I'm going to do with my life. I love theatre, but I don't think stage managing is quite the right fit for me... I think company management and administration is more my thing. With that being said, I don't honestly know how long I'm going to want to stay in this field. I've come too far to quit now, but who knows how I'm going to feel another 5-10 years from now. Recent events have made me look long and hard at myself and what I'm doing with my life. I love what I do... but is that enough? I feel like I should also be doing something to better the lives of those around me. Sure, theatre can be a powerful medium and a catalyst for change, but most people don't think of it that way. Looking at the "bucket list" I've been making recently, not much of what I want to accomplish is at all related to my current field of study. Maybe this upcoming nearly year break from theatre will give me some perspective.

...because I'm feeling ambitious for some reason.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:00:16 GMT

For some reason, I have a slightly overwhelming desire to make a list of things to do before I die. This is the beginning of that list... more to come. Things listed are in no particular order.

1. Work at a coffee shop
2. Work at a porn shop
3. Become fluent in another language
4. Go to grad school
5. Be a company member at a small, new theatre
6. Work in children's theatre
7. Finish my damn PR minor!
8. Give plasma
9. Foster/adopt a shelter/rescue dog
10. Be a positive influence on someone else's life in some way
11. Learn to play the guitar I've had since sophomore year of high school
12. Play/sing at an open mic night
13. Finish the song I've been writing since senior year of high school
14. Buy a house/condo
15. Take my nephew to the zoo
16. Go skydiving or bungee jumping... even though I'm afraid of heights
17. Go to bartending school
18. See The Spill Canvas live
19. Work on an independent film
20. Live in Washington
21. Live on the east coast
22. Take a photography class
23. Take a cooking class
24. Be genuinely, blissfully happy
25. Work as a production manager
26. Work as a company manager
27. Tour with a show
28. Venture outside of theatre and work events- fashion shows, etc.
29. Write a letter to the editor
30. Take a cross-country road trip
31. Eat a Georgia peach
32. Go to New Orleans
33. Visit Maine
34. Drink a margarita in Mexico
35. Go on a cruise
36. Learn to make a really killer cheesecake
37. Host a dinner party
38. Get a tattoo in memory of Grandpa Dean
39. Run a half-marathon
40. Go scuba diving
41. Vacation in Italy
42. Plan my dream wedding
43. Adopt a child
44. Learn to like coffee
45. Call a perfect show
46. Plan a luxury vacation that I could never afford
47. Grow a garden
48. Plant a lilac tree
49. Yell off the Brooklyn bridge, a-la Newsies
50. Go hiking in the mountains
51. Design a floral arrangement
52. Volunteer for St. Baldrick's
53. Volunteer for Greenpeace
54. Kiss a guy with a hot foreign accent
56. Sing in a wedding
57. Fit back into my dress from sophomore year homecoming... that was a hot dress!
58. Design a piece of jewelry
59. Go on a cutesy picnic date
60. Overcome my fear of heights
61. Celebrate St. Patty's Day in Ireland
62. Buy a piece of art from a gallery
63. Own an original Kurt Halsey
64. Buy a piece from Scout in Chicago
65. Drive a scooter
67. Work/volunteer at an animal shelter
68. Have an Akita
69. Own stock
70. Own a bar

rant

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 06:02:43 GMT

Dear boy,

I can't get over you because I can't get away from you. You're everywhere. At school, I see everyone that you were friends with- all of them looking at me like I'm some sort of kicked puppy. I go home and you're there, too. I'm sleeping in your bed, surrounded by all of your stuff... everything but your clothes, the dog, and you. Do you have any idea how fucking hard this is for me? You're in Georgia dealing with your family issues, while I'm here trying to cope with mine... and I'm haunted by you every step of the way.

How is it that one day we're talking about our wedding and making plans for the future and the next day you're on your way back to Georgia and we're broken up because it's what you "need" right now? I don't have the slightest idea what's going on in that head of yours... and I never will, because you won't fucking talk about it. If you love me like you say you do, you would just fucking be honest with me, because you would realize how much this hurts.

If you still have the part of my heart that you ripped out, could you please send it back to me?

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 02:41:00 GMT

I don't know why I even try anymore. I fuck everything up anyways, so what's the point? I can't fucking stand it. It's like I instinctively keep myself from being happy. I'll never understand it. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

Happy fuckin' new year

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 00:56:16 GMT

Not knowing has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. Does he like me the way that I like him, or am I wasting my time? I can read most people like books, but this one's above my reading level... beyond my comprehension.

I was never one for guessing games.

Debbie Downer

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 07:57:56 GMT

I can't seem to do anything right lately. It feels like the world is collapsing all around me, and I have nowhere to run. I hate it when I get like this... I want to say "fuck the world" and sleep for days. Curl up and disappear into thin air. Watch myself from the outside. Why am I the way I am? I hate it, yet I do nothing to change it. If you figure it out, let me know... I'll be sitting here eating stale saltine crackers and wrestling with my thoughts.

Poison rationality

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 14:30:37 GMT

My body hates me. 2 weeks before my show goes up, I get mono. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't doing so damn much for the show and I didn't need it to get into college... but I am and I do. Oh, but it gets better! Last night at rehearsal I'm talking to one of my actors and then my leg starts itching. I pull up my pant leg and I'm broken out in friggin hives. Great! I then get in a massive fight with my mom via cell phone because she doesn't want me going to town to get anything for it. Why? Because I didn't go to school FRIDAY! Gahhhh! I think Chris is the only reason I didn't go completely crazy last night. He showed up at the school at the end of rehearsal and waved me out to the hallway to tell me that he got called into work, and he let me vent. If I got too flustered, he just said "shhhh" and gave me a hug. I swear, that boy is somethin' else.

In other news, my Jamie Nicole is getting married! I'm soooooo excited for her! She asked me to be her maid of honor... I grinned like an idiot and got all giddy. Next summer, baby!

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 03:10:44 GMT

Wow. It's been forever and a day since I've updated this damn thing. A lot has happened in the last 2 months.

Back to school- thus far, it pretty much sucks. The only real perks this year are getting out early for lunch and seeing the looks of panic on the faces of freshmen when you boss them around or yell at them.
Broke up with the boy. It just needed to be done.
School play. As student director, I'm dabbling in almost every aspect of the production. I'm involved in casting, scenic design, lighting design, set painting, costuming, properties, fund raising, dialect coaching, assembling a run crew, putting together a prompt book, and calling the show.
Work. If I'm not at rehearsal, I'm at work.
Boys are confusing. 'Nuff said.
Went on a college visit to Webster and fell in love hardcore. I already knew I wanted to go there, but being on campus made me that much more certain. *Melts*
Got academically accepted to both Missouri State and Webster. I'll probably be doing my portfolio review/interview for Webster some time in November, but I won't know until probably April whether or not I'm accepted for the program. Boo, you whore!
My step-brother, uncle, and uncle's fiance are now back from Kuwait. They got back to the states today and will be home probably on Saturday after de-briefing. Woohoo!

Life never ceases to amaze me. Just when you think you know what you're doing, WHAM! Something totally unexpected pops up and throws you for a loop. It's easier just to live the lie... if you fake it for long enough, you'll eventually start to believe it. It's when your ruse is shattered that shit gets ugly. This is the part where I pretend that I still care.

I call "bullshit"

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 21:04:22 GMT

I go back to school tomorrow- summer is officially over. Hooray for only having one more year of the high school drama bullshit left. "Fuck You" for still having to deal with that year of high school drama bullshit. I used to feel bad about not being nicer to people at school... then I realized that they hate me anyways, so it doesn't really matter. It's kinda like when I moved in junior high. I ran into two girls from my class that never said a damned word to me when I lived there, and they were all like "How have you been? We missed you!" I call "bullshit". If they had missed me, they would have tried to get in touch with me before then- if they liked me, they would have spoken to me when I lived there. I pretty much told them that, and then they walked away. It's all bullshit. I don't care if that didn't make sense... I knew what I was talking about.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing lately. I'm in a relationship that I don't want, but I can't seem to get myself out of it. I had a 25 year old ask me to move in with him. Don't worry... I declined. I have a crush one someone who's unobtainable. Damned distance! I'm pretty much emotionally numb at this point... the only thing I've really felt lately is annoyance. I have this sinking feeling in my chest. I'm never really happy, but I put on a damn good show. I'm beginning to think I may need help.

In other news, Nintendo Fusion Tour goes down in 40 days. The countdown has begun. Oh, look, a goose! *runs*

I need drugs

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 03:57:47 GMT

I have a whopping headache right now... I need drugs. No, not that kind of drugs- Aleve or something. Perhaps I'll down some NyQuil? I'm sooo out of it right now. Being at the theatre almost every day this summer is beginning to take its toll on me. In the last week, I think I've only conversed with like 3 non-theatre people (excluding my immediate family). I'm exhausted, confused, and damned irritable. I can barely keep my eyes open right now. I may update more later, but for now I think I'm gonna get drugged up and go to bed.

P.S., I <3 the electric mandolin.

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 06:19:48 GMT

Yesterday was an interesting day at work. I got hit on by two 15-year-old military school rejects and a really hot guy named Mike. He comes in every time I'm working. When he walks in, he's like "workin hard?" and flashes me a great big smile... so cute. I actually had a pseudo-conversation with him last night- it went like this:

Mike: I was supposed to ask how old you are.
Me: 17... why?
Mike: One of my friends is interested.
Me: *laughter*
Mike: What, you're not interested?
Me: *still laughing*
Mike: You have a boyfriend?
Me: Yeah.
Mike: Oh... ok.
Me: So, who's your friend?
Mike: *shakes head*
Me: Oh, come on... if you get to ask questions, then I get to ask questions.
Mike: *pause* It's me, ok?
Me: *laugh*
Mike: What, you don't believe me?
Me: No.
Mike: Why not?
Me: I have my reasons.
Mike: Good or bad?
Me: Just reasons.
Mike: Oh. Well... bye!

Yeah... my friend Steve gave me his cell number, so I texted him to apologize for laughing in his face. I'm cutting this short so I can go post something crEEpy.

hell hath surely frozen over, for I am updating.

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 20:13:46 GMT

So yeah... this is my first update since school's been out. I really suck at this whole updating thing. I've actually had a lot going on lately, but I'm too much of a lazy ass to update regularly. So, here's the condensed version of what I've done lately.

3 1/2 weeks at the theatre for "Ragtime"
going to my dad's house for a few days
2 weeks of doing absolutely nothing, aside from ushering for the plays on Thursday nights
getting a phone call to operate the revolve for "The Full Monty"
step-brother home from Kuwait on 2 weeks leave
in the midst of 3 week stint at theatre for "Full Monty"
got a job... woo! I start training on Thursday.
After "Full Monty" closes, I have about 5 days until I start rehearsals for "Hunchback of Notre Dame"
after "Hunchback" closes, I'm going to New York for 5 days and seeing "Wicked" on Broadway

I'm excited about the job... not so much beacuse it's a great job, but because it means that I'll actually have a car now. I can't wait to go back to the theatre tonight- I get hugs from Kenny and I get to hear about everyone's drunken 4th of July. I have to remember to take a picture of Gavin with me... if he's single, I'm gonna try to hook him up with Kenny. They'd be super cute together.

I've had enough of this update buisiness. Ta-ta lovelies.

Come on, this is screaming "Photo Op"

Sat, 21 May 2005 01:39:44 GMT

Things currently rocking my socks off...

FUCT
retractable sharpies
Papa Murphy's cheese delite pizza
being able to see the floor in my room
4 more days of school
starting rehearsal tomorrow at the theatre that I looooooove
being able to talk to my best friend for more than 5 minutes for the first time in a month
my incredibly handsome nephew
the "gangster" song
sesame street

That's right boys and girls, 4 days of school left. I'm so ready to be done. Hell, I've been ready to be done since we started. This summer will be TeH aWeSuM!1!!@!#! Two shows at the local theatre, getting to catch up with friends that I haven't hung out with in a looong time, possibly going to warped tour, and actually spending some time with my dad. I'm so exciiiiited! I now realize that I never update my LJ because my life is incredibly boring and I have nothing of importance to say. There was one fairly interesting/amusing event today, which I will copy and paste from the board because I'm far too lazy to re-type it.

I had a funny conversation with my friend Bryan today.

Apparently two of his girlfriend's friends were in Rockford (IL) and this guy walked up to them and asked them if they had heard of Fall Out Boy. Knowing Bryan, they were like "Yeah, our friend listens to them all the time." Said guy says that FOB are playing a show in Madison and he has free tickets. The girls say "Well, we'd love to go, but we can't make it to Madison." Later on while they're re-hashing the story to Bryan and Janet, Bryan asks if the guy was hitting on them, and they said that they didn't know. Janet asks them if the guy was hot and they say "He was pretty good looking... kinda short, darker complected, lots of tattoos..." Bryan busts out a picture of FOB and they point to Pete and say "That's him!"

Stupid (lucky) bitches...

Yeah, so that's about it. My life is pretty boring. The end.

Hipbones, tartar sauce, and Ronald McDonald

Sat, 14 May 2005 01:54:56 GMT

Observations I've made recently...

my mother thinks I'm fat
my mother thinks I'm lazy
I irritate the hell out of my mother
I'm not a very well-liked person
Liz is my fucking hero
Majority of the people in my school STILL don't know who Fall Out Boy is/are

In other news... the boy's prom is tomorrow, and I don't really want to go. The only appealing thing about it is post-prom, because they go bowling, bitches. Another fine and dandy perk- I don't know anyone at his school, so I can make a complete ass of myself in front of them all and not give a damn. Also... I got pictures back of Tory molesting Ronald McDonald. Best. Pictures. Ever. I'm completely not making any sense in this entry, and I don't give a damn. I totally almost bit Jared's hipbones today because one was protruding through a hole in his shirt, but then I remembered that he's a greasy stoner with more STD's than I care to think about. I'm definitely supposed to be cleaning my room right now.... oops.

Alright sugar... sayonara buckaroo.

-Katie Paige